Transformation...Trials and Tribulations

Many of you know from my FB posts that we finally received our new orders to move and how hard I took that bit of news.  Its 5 days later and I still cannot wrap my head around the fact I have to move to Fort Benning, Georgia.  Originally they gave us less than a week to get there so Jon was in a flurry to go get his outprocessing done at epic speed.  Our original plan was movers/packers here next Thursday, us on the road Saturday morning and he would report in on August 2nd.  Thankfully, they extended this time to September 6th now.  Not that its any consolation since I don't WANT to go to Georgia but now I don't have to get there at lightning speed and I can do things my way a bit more.  I mean, I can't even pack for a weekend trip without it taking me two weeks of planning, post it notes and list making to make sure I don't forget everything I needed.  My OCD and anxiety ridden brain can only handle so much.  Being forced to do the seemingly impossible in under a week was really setting me off *BIG TIME*.  I cried for 3 days straight, used up a whole box of tissues and didn't sleep for over 48 hours.  Seriously hard to bear.

The other night, as I was up thanks to a brain that wouldn't shut off or shut up and kept talking to itself all night long, I got up and was watching television and I saw a (get ready to laugh) book called "Transformation".  It was a mini infomercial looking type thing and I was just engrossed like this was the greatest thing I had ever seen.  Totally captivated.  Anyways, in the course of the commercial it was talking about losing weight by healing the "whole self" - not just the body but the soul and mind as well.  How do you heal the whole by healing a part kinda thing.  I'm all about holistic healing.  I love herbal remedies and all that jazz so this really struck me.  And I'm also a big believer in the whole Laws of Attraction (the Secret) thing.  I really do believe what you put into it, is what you get out of it.  This whole theory was wrapped into this book.  So I ordered it and when it came this week, I fell right into reading it.  What a better time than when you're down and out to find inspiration in the weirdest of places.  Its an 18 week program to help you change the way you think, to break down hidden barriers and beliefs you have in place that prevent you from moving forward with ANY goal or ambition...granted its aimed toward weight loss in this aspect but the principles remain the same.  I sure hope it works.  I need a change.

I know you're probably all rolling your eyes..but this program is 18 weeks with online FREE support and has worksheets, videos, goals, forums, a great community...just everything you could want to start changing yourself and your life from the inside out.  That's a first for me.  Never found anything that change my mindset FIRST.  Its no good telling me to go exercise if I lack the motivation to do them.  If I wake up and find 450 reasons NOT to go to the gym, what good does it do me?  A book is just a book...that's why this is so much more.  I'm just amazed.  Transformation.com if you're curious.  

I have been dealing with so many things that I don't talk to anyone about because they are so intimately  personal and hard to describe that I have found myself withdrawn and distracted from well, just about everything for the past six months or more.  I have painted myself into my own corner and wonder how I"m going to get out of this spot.  In my own dread and self-doubt, I have allowed a person with the label of "friend" to walk all over me like a door mat with no regard to the pain I feeling over and over again.  With my cats, when they do something bad, we squirt them with a water bottle to correct their behavior and so they learn to stop doing the bad things.  Where is the water bottle for your friends?  This friend just has no idea how hurt I am.  You give and you give and you take and take so much and swallow so much pride and sacrifice your own happiness on the hopes of keeping this friendship.  That if you bite your tongue, this person will maybe somehow treat you better if you give them nothing to complain about or berate you over.  That if you don't "bother them", they will be better towards you.

I realized this week, when in the midst of ALL my anguish over this move and my panic mode was at its highest, when I turned to this person for support, I got nothing and was told to quit being my old "negative self".  And rather than telling this person I deserved better, that I needed them to be there for me like a real friend would (TY Siggy for all you have said and done this week to make me feel better btw), I swallowed my tongue and let my hurt and anger build up in me like a volcano about to burst.  Tonight, I had just come to the end of my rope with this person and I find myself at the pinnacle where I must make a choice.  I can either walk away from this person, who I do dearly care about and love tremendously, or I can walk away and say "I"m sorry, but until you treat me better, we can't talk anymore."  Its painful either way I go.  When I think about not having this person in my life, my heart beats a million miles an hour and my breath seizes up in my chest and I can hear my ears just a ringing....I don't want to do this but I feel I have to because I do deserve so much more than this.

You shouldn't HAVE to bite your tongue around a friend.  You should have that freedom to talk to the other person without restraint - to say the hard, difficult things without fear of losing that person in the long run.  You shouldn't be scared to ask a question or inquire why they are behaving a certain way for fear they will yell at you, insult you and berate you like you did something wrong by just asking a question or telling them about an observation.  You shouldn't be afraid to offer advice for fear of being yelled at that they "don't need another mother!".  Most of all, you shouldn't feel bad after every conversation.  To be told you're constantly and consistently wrong, makes you feel small and insignificant.  To have every effort you have made to be in their life, show them you care and want to help THEM (even after all the bad treatment) downgraded to accusations of snooping or interferring is so painful to bear I cannot fathom another fight for fear the last heartstring I have for this person will snap and I will have nothing left.  But I know I deserve more.  For all my kindnesses shown, the concerns, the advice, the caring, the love...for everything I've done and for every bad spot I've stood by them when most people would run in the opposite direction...I deserve more from this person.  I deserve better.  And its time I made my stand.